The Battle Between the Real You and the Expected You: Finding Balance
Have you ever found yourself caught between what you want and what you think others expect from you?
Today, I went to Whole Foods to pick up some groceries. As I browsed, I spotted my favorite pastry on display. Excited, I reached for it using the wax paper provided, but somehow, I dropped it onto the table surface. There was a long line of people behind me, and an elderly lady stood right beside me, watching.
Immediately, my “external self” or Expected Me kicked in. A thought flashed through my mind: “If I don’t pick it up and buy it, people will judge me as irresponsible, right?” But a different voice, my “true self” or Real Me, was hesitating: “I don’t want it anymore—it’s touched the table and probably gathered dust. Why should I buy something I can’t eat?”
In that split second, I ignored my true self and acted according to what I assumed others would think. I picked up the pastry and put it into my bag. Then, the elderly lady spoke up: “Are you sure you want that? Things happen, you know.” Her question made me pause and realize something profound: the moment I chose to listen to the Expected Me, I had already judged and attacked my true self. I wasn’t being kind or authentic to myself.
Understanding the Real You vs. the Expected You
This experience got me thinking: Why do we so often let our true desires be overridden by external expectations? The struggle between Real Me and Expected Me is something we all face. It’s a clash between who we genuinely are—our desires, values, and feelings—and who others want us to be, shaped by societal norms and expectations.
The Real Me: This is the authentic self, who we are deep inside, with our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It’s the part that knows what truly brings us joy and satisfaction.
The Expected Me: This is the version of ourselves we think others want us to be. It’s the self shaped by others’ expectations, the one we put on display to fit in or avoid judgment.
When these two selves are at odds, inner tension builds. If we repeatedly silence our true self to meet external expectations, we may end up feeling empty, exhausted, and conflicted. This imbalance creates internal friction, leading to emotional turmoil and a constant sense of unease.
Why We Often Choose the “Expected Me”
When we feel insecure or lack self-confidence, the Expected Me takes over. We believe that if we meet others’ expectations, we’ll feel accepted and safe. But in doing so, we abandon our Real Me, causing our inner world to become fragmented.
Over time, if we continue to suppress our true selves, we may become overly sensitive to criticism, unable to handle even minor judgments, because deep down, we fear losing the core of who we are. This self-betrayal breeds resentment, not only toward others but toward ourselves. And this is where the battle begins.
Balancing the Real Me and the Expected Me
The key to reducing inner conflict is to restore balance between the Real Me and the Expected Me. It’s not about completely ignoring what others expect of us. Instead, it’s about acknowledging those expectations while still honoring our own feelings and needs.
Strengthen Your Real Me: Start by recognizing what you genuinely want and why. What are your values, and what makes you feel fulfilled? Spend time understanding yourself without judgment.
Set Boundaries for Your Expected Me: It’s okay to consider others’ opinions, but don’t let them dictate every choice. Practice saying “no” when something doesn’t align with your authentic self.
Create Inner Harmony: Achieving happiness and fulfillment doesn’t come from constantly meeting external expectations. True joy arises when your inner world aligns with your outer actions. This harmony is what brings a sense of meaning and purpose.
Three Levels of Success
To find lasting happiness and success, we need to focus on three relationships:
Inner Relationship (You vs. You): This is the relationship between the Real Me and the Expected Me. Heal this first by being honest and compassionate toward yourself.
Interpersonal Relationship (You vs. Others): When your inner self is in harmony, your interactions with others will become more authentic and fulfilling.
External Achievements (You vs. the World): With a strong inner foundation, you can achieve success that feels meaningful and aligned with your values, rather than empty accomplishments based on what others want.
Finding Your True Balance
If we only focus on external achievements without aligning with our Real Me, we’ll end up feeling unfulfilled despite our success. That’s why it’s so important to turn inward and reconnect with our core desires. Build a strong inner self, improve your relationships, and let your achievements be a natural outcome of your balanced self.
Remember, the road to true happiness begins by embracing your Real Me. The more you accept and nurture your true self, the more powerful, resilient, and confident you become.
Let’s embrace our authentic selves together, connect deeply with ourselves, elevate our energy, and break through our inner barriers to wealth and fulfillment.